As aspiring and qualified psychologists and people interested in psychology, we read, listen and learn a lot of content about different mental health conditions. Yet as great as academic content is for helping us understanding a mental health condition, depression and anxiety, it is only lived experience that can possibly help us to truly understand what a condition is like for a client or service user. You can read as many academic papers on depression as you want but until you talk or listen to people who have or are currently experiencing depression then you will never be able to fully understand how depression impacts a person. Especially in their everyday life. Therefore, in this clinical psychology podcast episode, I’ll be talking about my experience of a major depressive episode, which is still on-going as I finish off this blog post. You’ll learn about how it’s impacting me, what triggered my depression, the challenges depression gives me and more. If you enjoy learning about mental health, lived experience and depression then this is going to be a great episode for you.
Today’s psychology podcast episode has been sponsored by Abnormal Psychology: The Causes and Treatments For Depression, Anxiety And More. Available from all major eBook retailers and you can order the paperback and hardback copies from Amazon, your local bookstore and local library, if you request it. Also available as an AI-narrated audiobook from selected audiobook platforms and library systems. For example, Kobo, Spotify, Barnes and Noble, Google Play, Overdrive, Baker and Taylor and Bibliotheca.
Why Am I Talking About Experiencing Depression?
Note: this is a cleaned-up audio transcription from the recording I made when I was experiencing a wave of depression. I did not realise I was as depressed as I was when I was making the record, so there will be grammatical errors. Since this is spoken word and not written word.
I’ve hinted at my depression and declining mental health in the past two episodes. Therefore, the reason why I'm talking about this is because since Saturday, so seven days now, I've been having quite a major depressive episode, and I've never actually had this before. Sure, I've had one or two days of being depressed, and I mean going through quite crippling depression, but I've never had it for seven days.
And yes, it's sort of gotten a little better, but I'm still quite depressed now, though. For example, the only reason why I can actually record this and sound relatively normal in terms of this is what I normally sound like, at least I hope so, is because I've just been texting my best friend because they wanted to know about what plant pot they had in their bedroom. And I was like, "Oh God, I'm gonna have to go and look."
So, I did that, and we were talking, and we were texting to and fro for a bit, and I was making fun of them for their mason jars here. Thankfully, this helped me to have quite a bit of energy. But I know that will seriously dip, though. I thought, right now I feel good, I've got to do this.
Overall, the reason why I'm talking about this is, one, because of the practical issue that I just spoke about. Two, as a future clinical psychologist, or maybe even qualified psychologists and people interested in lived mental health experiences, it is really important that we do understand not only what academia says about a mental health condition, but we also hear about it from those people with a life experience. Of course, I do not have a depression diagnosis. To be honest, I do have a scary feeling that I'm not actually gonna get any better by saying "over the next week." And because I have been feeling depressed for two weeks, this is just off the top of my head, so don't quote me on this, that's actually all you need for a depression diagnosis, of course, as long as you meet the other criteria too, though.
So, at the moment, I don't have a depression diagnosis, and I'm hoping that I won't ever have to get one. So, I'm talking about this just so we can all understand lived-like experiences here.
An Overview Of My Week
I already mentioned earlier that this all started on Saturday, but there's something larger that's going on here. So, as you guys know, I experienced sexual violence back in April, and that has really messed with my mental health. That has been quite debilitating, and I've been doing tons of different bits to try and get better in that sense. But I'm still on a waiting list for specialist rape counselling, which is taking a toll on my mental health because I need this support, but I can't get it because it turns out there's a lot of people that get raped. So, it takes a while for a place to open up for you, which is tragic. And I'm basically coping as best I can with my mental health getting worse as the months go by, especially my PTSD. And I mean, like, I think I've had two days of depression since my, so to like 19 weeks ago tomorrow at the time of recording.
I've not had it for seven days before.
In addition, what happened was that on Saturday, I started to feel quite depressed. I started to feel really down, and it was a struggle to get out of bed. Thankfully, I had a friend coming round at 2:00 just because we had already planned it, and I wanted to spend time with him because we get on really well. But the problem was, was that I couldn't get out of bed. It took me a long time to have a shower, not as much as the next day though. And it took me a while to do everything. So, thankfully, I was ready for when he came around at 2:00, but I wanted to do stuff before then. I wanted to do some writing, I wanted to do some podcast work and other stuff, but that really didn't happen.
Me and my friend had a really nice four and a half hours. It was really nice talking. We spoke about Halo Lore. We basically talked about a bunch of nerd stuff, then we talked about relationships and other bits and pieces, basically stuff you normally talk with your friends about. Then he left, and then I was just like, oh, right, I'm actually quite sad now. I'm actually feeling ridiculously lonely and everything. And then it was a full-on night of just PTSD. I mean, if there was a sound, I would have a massive reaction. There were tons of intrusive thoughts about sexual violence.
That was not fun.
On the Sunday, it was even worse. And because it was so dark and so bad, I can't actually go into all of the details, but it was absolutely horrific.
All I’ll say is it took me 3 hours and 20 minutes just to have a shower because the interesting thing about depression is that because it's a low mood, it really impacts your energy levels. So then what happened was that around 2:00 pm, I finally decided, right, I am gonna have a shower. I'm gonna move heaven and earth to have a shower.
Well, the issue with that is that you need to get up from the sofa, then you need to go upstairs, then you need to get your clothes, get your towel, go into the bathroom, have a shower, get changed, etc. So, when you think about it, there are actually quite a few steps to anything that we do. And normally, I can normally do that all in, like, 20 minutes.
On Sunday, it took me 3 hours, 20 minutes to have a shower. I mean, that was just like... It took me 15 minutes just to get up the stairs. But then I actually had to come back down, so I was depressed about that, and it was ridiculous. It wasn't until I actually got in the shower at 5:00 pm, and I was just like, there's no point in me actually having a shower because it's 5:00, and to me, that's pointless. But I was like, I've been trying to do this for three hours. I've got to try.
And then, as the night went on, my mental health deteriorated. I broke my favorite mug. I smashed my favorite mug ever. Oh, God. I mean, I was actually quite devastated because it's this half-liter mug, which is just amazing. I've had it since 2019, since I first came to university, so I broke it, and then I just called my best friend, and we spoke for, like, an hour and a quarter, and then they were just like, "Right. You need to go home. You need to be around people," and, etc. So, I went...
I got back to my parents at half past midnight that night because me and my friend had a really heartfelt conversation. We'd had a really detailed one. Over the next two days, it was just constant depression. I was in and out of it because my parents work during the days, I was alone. Again, quite depressed. I couldn't really do anything. I had no energy. And then when they were back, it was fine because I was around people, so we could talk and stuff. Some stuff happened, but, I mean, that's just family.
And then I came back Wednesday because I saw my great aunt, who lives, like, nearby. Then I came back. Now, bear in mind, when my mug had shattered that night, I actually hadn't cleaned it up because I was just like... My mental health was so bad, I didn't have the capacity to actually clean it up. So, then I walked in at Wednesday, and I was just like, "Oh, my God, I'm back here. I've got to clean the mug. I've got to do tons of stuff." It took me an hour and 40 minutes just to clean that mug up. And that did not make me feel great. So that all happened.
Following on from this, yesterday, thankfully, I was able to do a few bits, but it was the energy levels that were really concerning me, because it was more of a thing about being in and out of depression and it basically not stopping and me not being able to reliably do stuff. I managed to do, I don't know, let's say four hours of stuff. It really wasn't that, it was more, like, two and a half because I tried to do some stuff. It was so unproductive. And considering I'm normally used to doing seven hours with ease of different bits and pieces, that was quite shocking, and that was actually quite bad. Quite bad.
Unfortunately, today it's just been more of the same. There has been a lot of other very traumatic things going on in the background. But again, just to keep this podcast easy to listen to, or at least nice to listen to, I'm not gonna go into it.
I just had to pause the podcast because I thought I heard a noise outside. I thought I was going to have a bad reaction. And then I felt a massive hit of depression almost hit, though. So, I've got to keep going with this, otherwise, it's not gonna get done.
What Triggered This Depressive Episode?
As with all mental health conditions and difficulties, there are always going be triggers and different aspects of this which make your mental health worse. Thankfully the only highlight of being depressed for seven days is that there are moments when you can actually think clearly. Oh, believe me, it happens extremely rarely, but they still happen.
As a result, the thing that really triggered my depression and the thing that keeps making me feel worse is one, of course, the sexual violence. Two, just being really lonely because I really don't have many friends. And my best friend, they went back to the midlands to see their family and spend time with their friends. As well as basically, everyone I know is out there doing really cool stuff. They're going away, they're having fun, they're seeing their other friends. And because of my PTSD, because of everything else, my issue is that I actually can't do the same.
Then there's also been some relationship stuff that were present. My best friends have been doing some relationship stuff. The LGBT+ society at my university, some of those conversations have been about past and current romantic relationships. And as someone who's been through sexual violence and also child abuse that was very homophobic, it's sort of like... I don't know if I can have that.I know logically, I can, but I mean, like, there's gonna be so much work to actually do that for. So that really didn't help me. And also, PTSD is bad enough, but when it comes to going outside, that doesn't help. But also, something I've been finding a lot lately when I've been going outside, like, going shopping is a nightmare. For instance, I tend to forget a lot. I find it really hard to focus. So as you can expect, it's really tough going out. As well as in my mind, if you're going go out properly, like, you're going to go somewhere, you do tend to need a friend just to make it more, enjoyable. And you can do it as a shared experience.
But because my only real friend is actually not here at the moment, that's really tough.
What Are The Challenges Of Experiencing Depression?
Moreover, there are four main challenges which I'm really struggling with at the moment. The first one is an inability to watch stuff because it's bad enough when I'm in and out of being depressed, which is another major problem because I can just be going along, then a wave of depression can just hit me. It can also be linked to triggers. For example, I can be doing stuff, then an intrusive thought comes out that's really bad, quite traumatic. Then it knocks me for six, and then I get depressed, and I just lay on the stairs, on the sofa, or wherever I am for half an hour to an hour.
That's bad enough.
But when I'm depressed, I also have a massive problem. I can't watch stuff because I can't watch things on the TV or any streaming service because of sexual references and sex scenes, which never used to bother me whatsoever. But because that's how bad my mental health is at the moment, I can't watch any of that because it's too distressing, it's too triggering, which is annoying.
As a result, that was another reason why me and my best friend, we were on the phone for two and a quarter hours last night, as they were going through and compiling me a list of different series and films which I might be able to watch. But as I said to them, the main problem with that is, and just know I am extremely grateful that they did that. And I'm definitely gonna start watching some of it at some point. But some of it is that, yeah, you can have this list, you can have stuff to do, but you don't have the energy to actually do it, or you don't have the executive function to do it, which is an issue.
My third major challenging of experiencing depression is loss of pleasure. I've always known this is a depression symptom, but I've never had to experience it before. So, you can be doing stuff which you normally flat-out love. Like earlier today, I was flat-out loving doing some business stuff, but I wasn't enjoying it. It was just like, "Wow, this is actually quite boring." And sure, I sort of picked the more mundane aspects, but I still enjoy it. I still don't mind doing it. It's so important to me. I did not enjoy it.
Normally, I can do some reading, I can do a hobby, or I can do anything that I find really fun. No, not this week. I've just lost pleasure in most things, which is why I'm a bit concerned about this list that my friends put was they really love all of these programs. I don't wanna be the type of person who turns around and says, "Oh, thank you for doing this, but I really don't like this. I couldn't really care less about this." I'm pretty sure that's just the depression, but still, I don't want to do that even though I think that might be the case. But I will honestly try and enjoy this stuff.
But the main issue that I've been having is energy.
I know this is linked to a low mood, but the energy is that I really only have so much energy to be able to do stuff in the day. And I like to think of this in terms of spoons theory.
I've done an autism podcast episode maybe two years ago on spoons. So, the idea of this, and this is done by Christina someone, is that there's the idea that you only have so many spoons in terms of energy throughout the day, and every time you do something, you take away a spoon.
Let's say you have 10 spoons. Then what happens is that if you get up, then you could lose a spoon. If you go to work, if you have a shower, then you lose another spoon. Then if you get the kids ready, take them to school and get to work, that's another spoon. Then you have a really hard day at work, you have lots of meetings, you're working a very high-pressure job.
Let's say that actually takes five spoons away from you. That means you've only got two spoons left by the time you get home from work. But then let's say you've got to pick up the kids, and then you've got to do dinner. Both of those activities takes away your two spoons. Therefore, after you've cooked dinner, you might not have even served it up yet. You're completely exhausted, and you have no energy whatsoever. That's how you can think about energy levels in terms of spoons. That's something I found quite annoying yesterday, was that I was trying to do stuff, I wanted to do stuff, I had no energy after a while to do it whatsoever.
What am I trying to do to feel better?
I'm between a rock and a hard place.
The reason why I'm sort of in a rock and a hard place is quite simply because what I need is my rape counseling to start.
Nonetheless, that can't happen because I'm still on the waiting list. And my contact at this charity that I'm gonna be seen by, she's on annual leave until the 27th of August. That's five days away, at the very least. And in the meantime, I sort of keep suffering. Of course, it's not the charity's fault. This is just how life works. But she can't chase it, and she can't say, "Right, this person needs help ASAP. Can we please try and fit them in?"
So that's what I really, really need, and that's the sort of the solution. As soon as I start processing my rape and everything, then everything will get better. But until then, I am trying to do one or two things. I'm calling my best friend every night. We're having quite long conversations about each other's day, how I'm doing. And it's nice because it's social connection when I normally wouldn't get any social connection, which is quite a depressing fact, but that's just my life at the moment.
And then the only other thing which I'm really doing because this week's been quite difficult because, I mean, I can't go back to my parents again because they're away, and the whole point is that I'm lonely. So I can't just go somewhere else to be lonely. That defeats the whole point.
The only other thing I'm doing is I'm seeing my private therapist this week and next week. Both of us have agreed she's not a rape specialist. So, it's a case of me just talking to her. To be honest, like, I'm educating her about sexual violence because I've done so much research in the past 19 weeks. And I mean, it's nice just having someone to talk to, but I know it's sort of just sticking plaster on a very crumbling wall at the moment.
Oh, no. Actually, the only other last thing that I'm doing, though, is that next week, I'm going up to see my best friend in the midlands. So, we can see each other, we can go to this city that I've always wanted to go to, more for a laugh than anything else. But this got quite a reputation. And originally, I wanted to go by myself, but my best friend was like, "You can't. You just can't. Like, I don't think you'll be able to cope."
Of course, they said in much more polite terms than this, but I was just like, "You're right," and I'm really annoyed that I just can't go out without having a meltdown, without having an inability to make decisions and just getting overwhelmed, anxiety, PTSD, etc.
So, all fun, not.
As a result, I'm going up to see them, and their parents are going be there. And, I mean, I get on great with their parents. Their parents are lovely. And I might be able to meet their brother, which would be nice because I've been wanting to meet him for ages.
Ultimately, there’s a lot's going on. I'm just trying to hang in there. And I don't know if this was a useful podcast episode, but I hope you got something out of it.
I really hope you enjoyed today’s clinical psychology podcast episode.
If you want to learn more, please check out:
Abnormal Psychology: The Causes and Treatments For Depression, Anxiety And More. Available from all major eBook retailers and you can order the paperback and hardback copies from Amazon, your local bookstore and local library, if you request it. Also available as an AI-narrated audiobook from selected audiobook platforms and library systems. For example, Kobo, Spotify, Barnes and Noble, Google Play, Overdrive, Baker and Taylor and Bibliotheca.
Have a great day.
Clinical Psychology References and Further Reading
Cunningham, S., Hudson, C. C., & Harkness, K. (2021). Social media and depression symptoms: a meta-analysis. Research on child and adolescent psychopathology, 49(2), 241-253.
Malgaroli, M., Calderon, A., & Bonanno, G. A. (2021). Networks of major depressive disorder: A systematic review. Clinical Psychology Review, 85, 102000.
Shorey, S., Ng, E. D., & Wong, C. H. (2022). Global prevalence of depression and elevated depressive symptoms among adolescents: A systematic review and meta‐analysis. British Journal of Clinical Psychology, 61(2), 287-305.
Smith, M. M., Sherry, S. B., Ray, C., Hewitt, P. L., & Flett, G. L. (2021). Is perfectionism a vulnerability factor for depressive symptoms, a complication of depressive symptoms, or both? A meta-analytic test of 67 longitudinal studies. Clinical Psychology Review, 84, 101982.
Whiteley, C. (2024) CBT For Depression: A Clinical Psychology Introduction To Cognitive Behavioural Therapy For Depression. CGD Publishing. England.
Whiteley, C. (2024) Social Media Psychology: A Guide To Clinical Psychology, Cyberpsychology and Mental Health. CGD Publishing. England.
Whiteley, C. (2024) Working With Children and Young People: A Guide To Clinical Psychology, Mental Health and Psychotherapy. CGD Publishing. England.
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