In last week’s psychology podcast episode, we looked at What is Obsessive Compulsive Disorder because I live with someone with OCD and I wanted to understand the condition more. In this week’s podcast episode, I wanted to take a step closer towards understanding how to help someone with OCD outside of the therapy room, because I know first-hand how distressing OCD can be on the person themselves and the people around them. Therefore, in this clinical psychology podcast episode, you’ll learn how obsessive-compulsive disorder impacts relationships, the people who live with the person with OCD and how can you support someone with OCD without reinforcing their maladaptive beliefs and coping mechanisms. If you enjoy learning about mental health, obsessive-compulsive disorder and more then this will be a great episode for you.
Today’s psychology podcast episode has been sponsored by Introduction To Psychotherapies: A Clinical Psychology Introduction To Types of Psychotherapy. Available from all major eBook retailers and you can order the paperback and hardback copies from Amazon, your local bookstore and local library, if you request it. Also available as an AI-narrated audiobook from selected audiobook platforms and library systems. For example, Kobo, Spotify, Barnes and Noble, Google Play, Overdrive, Baker and Taylor and Bibliotheca.
Note: as always absolutely nothing on this podcast is ever any sort of official advice.
How Can Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Impact Relationships?
Before we can hope to understand how do we support our loved ones with OCD, we need to first understand why is this important. As well as we need to understand how does obsessive-compulsive disorder impacts the relationships around the person with the condition. Psychology students and professionals need to understand this so we can add these factors into our clinical formulations and treatment plans because this will add additional psychological distress to the individual, and people who love and/ or with a person with obsessive-compulsive disorder need to understand this aspect of the condition too.
As a result, obsessive-compulsive disorder impacts relationships in a number of different ways. For example, friends and family might have a hard time whenever they see their loved one struggling and they simply don’t know how to help. Then this makes the friends and family members feel helpless as well as depressed, and compulsions are very time-consuming as I mentioned in last week’s episode. Therefore, compulsions can be very disruptive so family and friends could get frustrated when their loved ones ask for help in carrying out their compulsions, they need to wait for their loved one to finish a compulsion and/ or when they are asked repeatedly to reassure their loved one about an obsessive fear.
Personally, I really understand this because it is frustrating. It is frustrating when you need to stop everything you are doing because the person with obsessive-compulsive disorder has to carry about their compulsions, or they get so anxious and distressed that I’d made a mistake that doesn’t align with their obsessive fears, and it’s frustrating when we are delayed and arrive late to fun things by an hour because of their distress. And it is even more annoying when everyone else in the house supports their obsessive fears and reassures them so much that it only reinforces their compulsions.
I say this because I want you to also understand that yes, as an aspiring psychologist, I talk a lot about unconditional positive regard, active listening, being empathetic and non-judgemental. Yet I am human too. I am not perfect and it is okay to be frustrated and annoyed at mental health difficulties in your own personal life. As long as you learn and adapt your responses so they are more supportive in the future then that’s okay. Just because you study psychology doesn’t mean you have to be superhuman and emotionless.
It's why I researched this week’s and last week’s podcast episode. I want to learn, I want to become more understanding and I want to be more supportive.
In addition, obsessive-compulsive disorder can be very challenging for romantic partners because Kasalova et al. (2020) found that people with obsessive-compulsive disorder often struggle to communicate in relationships. This could be a result of the person needing to feel in control and them having a tendency to avoid uncomfortable emotions so their OCD symptoms can put stress on a romantic relationship.
I do have personal stories about that finding but out of respect for my housemates I will not comment, but I do agree with those research findings.
What Is Relationships Obsessive Compulsive Disorder?
Building upon the last section, a person can have relationship obsessive-compulsive disorder, which is a type of OCD where their obsessions focus on the doubts about their relationships. For example, a person with relationship OCD repeatedly questions whether their partner is a good fit or actually loves them. These obsessions, like all obsessions, take up a lot of time and cause a lot of distress to the person, so this leads to compulsive behaviours like constantly seeking reassurance from their partner that they love them. Or the person with relationship OCD compares their partner constantly to other people.
If a person has relationship OCD then they should see a couples therapist because a couples therapist can help a person set boundaries about what you will and what you won’t discuss about your relationship. This is useful because it helps you to avoid your partner’s OCD symptoms whilst taking care of your own mental health.
Personally, I think this sounds a lot like Emotional Dependency, which I’ve spoken a lot about on the podcast before and something I used to struggle with tons. Then I still struggle with it from time to time but I am a lot better than I used to.
How To Support Your Loved One with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder?
Support Your Partner By Learning About OCD
I know I always say this but I strongly believe because of my own abusive experiences that you cannot claim to fully love, support or appreciate someone with a mental health condition if you are not willing to research their condition. If my family had researched rape and how to support a rape survivor then my mental health would have been so much better. If my family had researched autism and how to support an autistic teenager then my adolescence would have been better and so on. As well as my friend’s parents researched a lot about depression, anxiety and so on to support them and it really did help them.
Therefore, my point is please research obsessive-compulsive disorder, so you can better understand and empathise with your loved one about what they’re experiencing and how to help them.
In the end your loved one will seriously appreciate it.
Give Support Without Reinforcing OCD Behaviours
The next two suggestions are actually what birthed the idea about the past two podcast episodes, because in my house, everyone was just accommodating my housemate’s OCD behaviours and me and another housemate could see how the OCD was getting worse as a result. Therefore, whilst it’s true that you cannot stop a person with obsessive-compulsive disorder from experiencing their obsessions, it’s a good idea to put boundaries in place so you do not assist them in their compulsions. This will be difficult, because your loved one is likely to experience more distress, but if you give in and help them carry out their compulsions, in the long term you are not helping them.
You are only reinforcing their OCD.
In addition, your loved one will probably be upset that you’re changing your behaviour and they likely be more anxious in the short term. Since it’s harder for them to carry out their compulsions, a behaviour that is meant to help temporarily relieve some of their anxiety caused by their obsession.
However, it’s important that you put in those boundaries and you explain that setting boundaries is because you care and you want your loved one to get better. Then working with a therapist might be another good idea because a therapist might be able to help you stop accommodating the OCD.
Resist Accommodating Your Loved One’s OCD Symptoms
Personally, the best example from my own experience is cleaning. In my house, this housemate’s OCD made it very important that things had to be cleaned in a very, very specific way and if I cleaned anything it would make them extremely distressed. So I was banned from cleaning anyone else’s stuff in the house because it would cause so much distress to this particular housemate. I didn’t mind it that much because it meant I could just focus on my own things because it created a massive knock-on effect. It meant only two housemates could clean the person with OCD’s things, in addition to their own, but it put a lot of stress on the house.
There was always a stupidly big pile of washing up to do, because washing up became a chore that needed to be done so carefully and so precisely.
This is why you should not accommodate your loved one’s OCD.
Anyway, accommodation happens when someone enables a person’s compulsions because accommodations can temporarily relieve your loved one’s anxiety. Yet in the long term it only reinforces their cycle of compulsive and obsessive behaviours. For instance, accommodations can include changing your routines to accommodate them, helping them avoid situations that trigger their anxiety, performing rituals that the person with OCD asks and habitually reassuring a loved one that their fears are unfounded.
Moreover, whilst accommodations are very common, even more so in families with children with OCD, it is important that you recognise that you are doing it. Then after you realise it, you need to realise it is time to stop accommodating your loved one’s OCD.
It will be hard on both of you, but it is best if you stop accommodating them. In the long run, it will be very good for the relationship and everyone else around you. Since my housemates decreased accommodating someone’s OCD behaviours, the house is a lot happier, calmer and there isn’t as much stress or tension in the house. And dinner time is more relaxing than it was too.
Support Your Loved One by Being Flexible with Your Expectations
Everyone, regardless of their mental health condition, improves at different rates. For example, some survivors of sexual trauma take years to heal enough to be able to function, I took 7 months. Therefore, it’s important that you remember that different people with OCD improve at different rates and symptoms can come back or intensify during periods of stress.
With this in mind, you can support your loved one by celebrating their progress along the way and remind your loved one that it’s important to keep moving forward when they experience setbacks. And just remind yourself and your loved one that change takes time and setbacks are normal.
This is something my best friend reminded me lots as I healed from my sexual trauma, and even now with my anorexia, it is something we need to keep reminding each other.
Offer To Help Your Loved One Find Treatment For Their OCD
I mentioned in last week’s podcast episode, What Is Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, that there are a range of psychological treatments available for OCD. For instance, Exposure and Response Prevention Therapy. Yet some people with OCD might not want to get help and there are a lot of reasons for this, like they are scared of being judged.
However, as a loved one, you can express your concerns about their mental health and you can offer to help them find a therapist or another form of mental health support. I know from my experience that it is a lot easier and digestible to do something mental health related with someone by your side. Like I need to actually create a meal plan for my anorexia again, because the last one just failed so this time my friend is going to look over it with me so I might stick to it and create one I enjoy and care about.
Additionally, if you’re loved one resists to the idea of treatment then you can ask them why, and try to explain the benefits of getting help and offer to what you can to help make treatment more accessible to them. Like I’m driving a friend to their specialist counselling sessions in a few weeks to help make it more accessible for them.
Finally, if your loved one still refuses to get treatment then tell them that you respect their decision and remind them that your offer still stands if they change their mind in the future.
From my experience, the worst thing you can do is keep “harassing” or refusing to accept the person’s decision. For example, when I wasn’t bothering to get treatment for my anorexia, my friend out of love and care, kept arguing with me and it made me even more distressed, even less likely to eat and it strained our relationship. Now they are a lot better because they are respectful, they focus on supporting me and yes, we will “debate and negotiate” eating at times, but it doesn’t distress me as much as it did a few months ago.
Clinical Psychology Conclusion
As we come to the end of these psychology podcast episodes focusing on obsessive-compulsive disorder, I have to admit that these have been a lot of fun. We’ve learnt that OCD is a very distressing condition and I’ve found it useful to understand the differences between obsessions and compulsions and why people with OCD carry out their compulsions, and it has been good to understand that OCD is so much more than washing and cleaning.
Also, I’ve found it useful to understand how I can be a good housemate to my friend and how I can gently suggest to the others how to support our loved one with OCD, so we can help them in the longer term. Just as a reminder, you can support a loved one with OCD by:
· Learning about OCD
· Give your loved one support without reinforcing their OCD behaviours
· Resist accommodating their OCD symptoms
· Be flexible with your expectations
· Offer to help your loved one find OCD treatment
Supporting a loved one with any mental health condition will be a challenge, but it is worth it, rewarding and it shows your loved one just how much you love them.
And as someone who has received support from friends before, in the end, I am extremely grateful and it makes me love my friends even more. It can make friendships closer and stronger too.
So please, support your loved one, look after yourself and just know that in the end, things get better.
This too shall pass.
I really hope you enjoyed today’s clinical psychology podcast episode.
If you want to learn more, please check out:
Introduction To Psychotherapies: A Clinical Psychology Introduction To Types of Psychotherapy. Available from all major eBook retailers and you can order the paperback and hardback copies from Amazon, your local bookstore and local library, if you request it. Also available as an AI-narrated audiobook from selected audiobook platforms and library systems. For example, Kobo, Spotify, Barnes and Noble, Google Play, Overdrive, Baker and Taylor and Bibliotheca.
Have a great day.
Clinical Psychology References and Further Reading
Doron, G., et al. (2016). Relationship obsessive-compulsive disorder: Interference, symptoms, and maladaptive beliefs. Frontiers in Psychiatry.
International OCD Foundation. (2016). Distinguishing information-seeking and reassurance seeking.
Kasalova, P., et al. (2020). Marriage under control: Obsessive compulsive disorder and partnership. Neuroendocrinology Letters.
National Institute of Mental Health. (n.d.). Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD).
Pollard, H. J., et al. (n.d.). Someone I care about is not dealing with their OCD, what can I do about it? International OCD Foundation.
Van Noppen, B., et al. (n.d.). Families: “What can I do to help?” International OCD Foundation.
Van Noppen, B., et al. (n.d.). Living with someone who has OCD. Guidelines for family members. International OCD Foundation.
https://www.goodrx.com/conditions/obsessive-compulsive-disorder/how-to-help-someone-with-ocd
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