How To Reduce Conflict Between Parents? A Social Psychology And Developmental Psychology Podcast Episode.
- Connor Whiteley
- 2 days ago
- 11 min read
If you’re a UK listener living in Kent then you might have heard on the radio recently an advert by Kent County Council about the awful and damaging impact consistent arguing and parental conflict can have on child development. After hearing this advert a few times, I wanted to learn more and it’s really interesting how parental conflict negatively impacts a child’s development at no fault of their own. Therefore, in this social psychology podcast episode, you’ll learn how parental conflict damages a child’s development, how to reduce conflict between parents and more. If you’re interested in child psychology, conflict reduction and social psychology then this will be a great episode for you.
Today’s psychology podcast episode has been sponsored by Developmental Psychology: A Guide To Developmental and Child Psychology. Available from all major eBook retailers and you can order the paperback and hardback copies from Amazon, your local bookstore and local library, if you request it. Also available as an AI-narrated audiobook from selected audiobook platforms and library systems. For example, Kobo, Spotify, Barnes and Noble, Google Play, Overdrive, Baker and Taylor and Bibliotheca.
Why Do We Need To Talk About Conflict Between Parents?
I’ll explain in the next section the damaging impact that parental conflict has on a child, but I want to start off this psychology podcast episode by mentioning that it is normal to argue and for there to be conflict in a relationship. There will be things in your life that just annoy you. Be it work, home life or just being a parent, these things can cause you to become stressed and agitated. It’s okay, and this can cause a lot of friction in a household so arguing and shouting happens.
Unfortunately, there are times when this happens in front of children.
I want to stress that some conflict is normal because it truly is and not all conflict is damaging to children. If parents didn’t argue at all then I would be more suspicious of that because I don’t know a single couple, a single group of parents and a single friendship that has not argued at least once.
However, there will be times when this parental conflict can increase to unhealthy levels. This could be screaming at each other and shouting without a resolution, communicating to each other in disrespectful ways or periods of silence. This is not healthy communication at all and this is persistent and/ or extreme source of conflict that damages child development. Not only in terms of their mental health, but it can damage the relationship between the child and parent too.
No parent wants interparental conflict to harm their relationship with their own child so that’s why we need to learn about how to reduce it.
How Does Constant Parental Conflict Harm Child Development?
There are a lot of significant ways how constant or consistent parental conflict can harm child development. For example, it can harm a child’s emotional and psychological well-being since persistent exposure to parental conflict can lead to a child becoming emotionally insecure. This can manifest as depression, anxiety or behavioural difficulties (Cummings & Schatz, 2012; Hess, 2021; Sarrazin & Cyr, 2007). These harmful effects can become worse because typically children feel caught in the middle of their parents’ conflict so this increases feelings of stress and helplessness.
In addition, the sheer levels of stress and other difficult emotions caused by persistent parental conflict can harm academic performance in children. The associated stress can impair a child’s cognitive functioning and concentration so they can’t focus on lessons so this academic performance worsens.
Another negative outcome of persistent parental conflict is it harms a child’s social development. Since research shows increased parental conflict correlates with reduced prosocial behaviour and an increase in problems with same-age peers in children (Sarrazin & Cyr, 2007). As well as these social difficulties can become worse because of parental behaviour. For instance, if a parent doesn’t show a child emotional warmth or positive communication then the child won’t know how to show emotional warmth and positive communication either. This continues to only harm their relationships with other children and people.
Finally, for this section, it’s important that we realise these harmful effects of parental conflict aren’t short-term that only lasts a few years. These damaging, awful effects can last well into adulthood and it can and will continue to harm a child’s self-esteem, social relationships and their overall mental health (Hess, 2021).
Personally, I know at the end of the day all of us are only human, we all make mistakes and there are times when we just want the other person to listen to us just for once in their life. We want them to pay attention and hear our side of the story. Sometimes, it feels like shouting, screaming and having a real argument is the only way to possibly get through to them. And sometimes when the other parent is talking to us about silly things after a hard day’s work, we snap.
We are only human.
However, I have just listed four ways how persistent parental conflict impacts our child’s development. I am not a parent and I can only imagine how hard it is to raise a child, but we need to try to reduce parental conflict as much as possible. There are other ways to sort out conflicts because conflicts will always happen in relationships, but there are healthy ways to sort out conflicts that do not end up damaging your child’s development.
How To Reduce Parental Conflict?
Now we know the damaging impact parental conflict can have on children, let’s look at some ways we can reduce parental conflict. Although, it’s important to remember that whenever it comes to conflict within relationships, you need to keep yourself safe. This means if you ever feel threatened or unsafe by your partner, then this is not okay. No one should ever feel unsafe or threatened by their partner and if your relationship has become abusive, then please seek support for domestic abuse.
You deserve and need to feel safe in your own home.
One way to reduce interparental conflict is to avoid using the “you” word. As I’ve been researching and learning a lot more about attachment and how to deal with conflict in relationships, this is a consistent piece of advice that I’ve seen repeatedly. The issue of using “you” statements in arguments is that these statements make the other person feel targeted and like you’re accusing them of something. This leads the other person to become more defensive, so try to use “I” statements instead.
For instance, let’s say your co-parent is meant to pick up the kids every Tuesday and Friday because those are the days you have to work longer for your job. Yet every Tuesday and Friday your co-parent never picks up the kids like they’re meant to so you need to rely on a friend at the same school to take your kids to your co-parents. Instead of saying “you never pick up the kids when you’re meant to and you annoy me,” try saying something along the lines of “I feel annoyed when you don’t pick up the kids on Tuesdays and Fridays like we agreed.”
You see how that’s less accusatory than the “you” statement version.
Thirdly, in relationships, it’s important to recognise how you argue. At first this idea might make no sense because surely everyone just argues and there are no different types. In reality, all couples and parents need to understand how they communicate to each other and how you communicate arguments and disagreements to each other is an important part of this process. Especially, if you and your partner both approach arguments with very different styles. For instance, you might be a very calm, collected person who deals with conflict and arguments in a calm, logical manner where you focus on solutions instead of negative emotions. If your partner is the exact opposite and they prefer to shout and scream and they get even more angry when you don’t show negative emotions as well. Then this can only make the arguments worse so it’s important to recognise how you both argue and how best to deal with your different approaches.
Two final aspects of this recognition part of parental conflict is to make sure you think about what triggers you and your partner. It will definitely take some time to think about and identify some of the issues that might trigger a strong reaction in you or your partner. Most people just go through their entire lives without giving this much thought and this leads to a lot of negative relationship patterns because the couple aren’t able to identify triggers and adapt their behaviour to deal with these triggering topics in a healthier way.
Finally, my main audience on The Psychology World Podcast are aspiring or qualified psychologists or people interested in psychology. Active listening skills are a massive part of our profession and whilst I strongly discourage you from bringing your therapy skills into the home because no partner wants to feel like a client. Yet listening to your partner or co-parent without interruption is flat out critical for reducing parental conflict because everyone wants to feel heard. Therefore, even if you have an important point to make or counter what they’ve said, just allow your partner to finish what they’re saying and try to see the conflict from their point of view before responding.
How To Reduce Parental Conflict By Taking A Break, Being Open To Compromise and Choosing the Right Time?
Three more ways to reduce parental conflict includes if you can’t stay calm during an argument or conflict, then please take a break. I don’t think it’s possible to avoid conflict with heated emotions forever. Even for myself who never really tends to get angry or show heated emotions, there are times when I do get angry and I can show a lot of heated emotions. When these situations arise, it is normally a good idea to take a break so both people in the conflict can take some time to cool down so when you next come back to the conversation it will hopefully go better.
Penultimately, in any sort of conflict, it’s important to choose the right time to address issues and this is something I’ve learnt over the past few weeks. It turns out that a major difference between people with anxious attachment and avoidant attachment is that a person with anxious attachment tends to want to resolve conflict immediately even if this is a bad time when the other person doesn’t want to engage in conflict. Whereas an avoidant person will avoid discussing and resolving conflict at all.
I mention these attachment facts because I recently learnt with some conflict in my house that I wanted to resolve conflict immediately but the moment I picked was not a good time for the other person and this made the conflict even worse.
Therefore, if you want to talk to your partner or co-parent about an important issue then it’s best if you make sure you give yourselves enough time to talk about the issue. Ideally, this discussion will happen somewhere where you won’t be interrupted or overheard, so it’s a good idea to set aside some time to have a proper conversation when it suits you both.
Finally, you can reduce parental conflict by being open to compromise. I know from experience that when we’re in an argument with heated emotions, we can just focus on “winning” an argument and making sure that we are the ones who walk away with the best result. The problem with this approach to arguments is that it means we don’t tend to teach a solution with our partner, so this isn’t a helpful way of resolving issues. Therefore, it’s more helpful to be clear with your co-parent about what you’re willing to compromise on and what you won’t. Boundaries are critical in all relationships and this is another boundary exercise, what are you flexible on and what aren’t you.
Interestingly, once you start thinking about compromise you’ll probably realise some of these areas that you could never originally compromise on are actually less important than you thought.
Social Psychology Conclusion
Life is stressful and I cannot imagine how hard it is raising a child with the stressors of work, home life, friendships, relationships and so many other factors on top of that. Parenting and life as an adult is not easy. Therefore, it is normal for parents to argue because sometimes we all just need a release when our stressors get to unbearable levels.
That isn’t the problem.
The problem is when parental conflict and arguments become often and extreme. This only damages your child’s development by harming their physical, emotional and social development. As well as it harms their academic performance and parental conflict has long-term effects that can ensure the harmful damage effects conflict inflicts on children lasts long into adulthood.
This is why it’s critical that parents learn how to reduce conflict by focusing on keeping themselves safe, understand how both parents argument, avoid using “you” statements and use “I” statements instead, if parents cannot stay calm then take a break, and choose the right time to address issues and listen without interrupting your partner. As well as it’s helpful to know what triggers you and your partner and most importantly, be open to compromise in conflict.
Parental conflict doesn’t have to escalate to damaging levels, it is avoidable if parents take a step back, learn how to deal with their emotions and conflict better and focus on doing this for the betterment of their child. Reducing conflict does take work and a lot of effort but if it means ensuring your child has the best and healthiest start in life, doesn’t that make it all worth it?
Here are some questions to get you thinking at the end of this social psychology podcast episode:
· How often did your parents argue when you were a kid?
· How do you argue now?
· What triggers you and your partner in a relationship?
· What unhealthy ways of communicating might you and your partner have?
· How could you and your partner reduce conflict in your relationship?
I really hope you enjoyed today’s social psychology podcast episode.
If you want to learn more, please check out:
Developmental Psychology: A Guide To Developmental and Child Psychology. Available from all major eBook retailers and you can order the paperback and hardback copies from Amazon, your local bookstore and local library, if you request it. Also available as an AI-narrated audiobook from selected audiobook platforms and library systems. For example, Kobo, Spotify, Barnes and Noble, Google Play, Overdrive, Baker and Taylor and Bibliotheca.
Have a great day.
Social Psychology References and Further Reading
Amjad, M. J., Nawaz, A. H., & Zubair, M. (2024). Parental Conflicts and Child Socialization: An Impact Analysis of Parent Stress in Southern Punjab, Pakistan. Review of Law and Social Sciences, 2(4), 09-19.
Bate, J., Pham, P. T., & Borelli, J. L. (2021). Be my safe haven: Parent–child relationships and emotional health during COVID-19. Journal of pediatric psychology, 46(6), 624-634.
Cummings, E. M., & Schatz, J. N. (2012). Family conflict, emotional security, and child development: translating research findings into a prevention program for community families. Clinical Child and Family Psychology Review, 15, 14-27.
He, D., Niu, G., Hu, Y., Song, K., Zhou, Z., & Fan, C. (2024). The relationship between parental conflict and adolescent cyberbullying: the roles of parent-child attachment and core self-evaluation. Current Psychology, 43(9), 8230-8240.
Hess, S. (2022). Effects of inter-parental conflict on children’s social well-being and the mediation role of parenting behavior. Applied Research in Quality of Life, 17(4), 2059-2085.
https://www.kent.gov.uk/education-and-children/kent-family-hub/mental-health-and-family-relationships/reducing-arguments-and-conflict-between-parents
Jones, J. H., Call, T. A., Wolford, S. N., & McWey, L. M. (2021). Parental stress and child outcomes: The mediating role of family conflict. Journal of Child and Family Studies, 30, 746-756.
Özaslan, A., Yıldırım, M., Güney, E., Güzel, H. Ş., & İşeri, E. (2022). Association between problematic internet use, quality of parent-adolescents relationship, conflicts, and mental health problems. International Journal of Mental Health and Addiction, 20(4), 2503-2519.
Sarrazin, J., & Cyr, F. (2007). Parental Conflicts and Their Damaging Effects on Children. Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, 47(1-2), 77–93. https://doi.org/10.1300/J087v47n01_05
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