The week after this social psychology podcast episode goes out, tens of millions of university students throughout the northern hemisphere will go-to university for the first time, or you’ll return for another academic year. This gives them another year to make lifelong friendships filled with laughter, hope and maybe even love. Be it companionate or romantic love. But how do we make and maintain friends as adults? This is a topic I struggle with massively and it is a major factor at the moment in my horrific mental health. Therefore, in this social psychology podcast episode, you’ll learn how to make and maintain friends as an adult, why this is important and four important tips to help you do this. If you enjoy learning about social psychology, friendships and relationships then this is a great episode for you.
Today’s psychology podcast episode has been sponsored by Psychology Of Relationships: The Social Psychology Of Friendships, Romantic Relationships and More. Available from all major eBook retailers and you can order the paperback and hardback copies from Amazon, your local bookstore and local library, if you request it. Also available as an AI-narrated audiobook from selected audiobook platforms and library systems. For example, Kobo, Spotify, Barnes and Noble, Google Play, Overdrive, Baker and Taylor and Bibliotheca.
Why Are Friendships Important?
I know a lot of you wonderful listeners and readers are psychology students and professionals so I won’t spend too much time on this topic. However, friends have a wide range of very important functions for us because essentially friendships make us happier because they give us opportunities to laugh, enjoy our lives and they add so many layers to our social lives that we simply cannot get from being alone.
There are references for today’s episode at the bottom of the page by the way.
Personally, I flat out love having friends (coming from a person who barely has any) because they make me laugh, I get to learn about things I never normally would and I get to experience different lifestyles that I could never dream about. For instance, I recently experienced something amazing because I went up to the midlands to see my best friend whilst they were with their parents. And I experience a completely accepting family that couldn’t care less their eldest was queer with a boyfriend and they allowed their eldest to do whatever they wanted. As well as they supported their eldest no matter what and no matter how horrific their mental health. The really shocking thing to me was my best friend’s parents actually researched ways to actively help and support their mental health.
That is such a violently alien concept for me that I lately shocked my best friend with all my “basic” questions about what their life was like.
Anyway, friendships help me to realise things about my own life.
In addition, friendships are protective factors against mental health difficulties. Since if you don’t have friendships then this can increase the chance of you developing hypertension, depression as well as diabetes.
In my experience, if I didn’t have my best friend these past few weeks, I highly doubt I would even be around because they have been a critical part of my mental health support. It’s one of the reasons why I want more friends so I can have a much, much wider social support network.
Overall, friendships provide us with connections and it is these social connections that are critical to our overall mental health and wellbeing.
How To Make and Maintain Friends As An Adult?
You Should Figure Out What Matters To You
As adults, we thankfully get to decide the different sorts of people who get to be around us in our social groups. Now I’m using the plural form here because I covered a psychology news article a few episodes ago saying how “variety is the spice of life” in friendships meaning you’re being off with a mixed friendship group that is made up of people who are similar and different from yourself.
Anyway, as an adult, we need to figure out what matters to us and we can intentionally build a life that incorporates these things and aspects. You could easily call these, our core values or interests. Therefore, it’s important that you take the time to think about what matters to you and put yourself in places where similar people might be.
For example, some of my core values include, being or supporting the LGBT+ community, being kind, active and being interested in learning in all its forms. This is one of the reasons why I’m going to my university’s LGBT+ coffee morning this next week and I’ll go to as many society events as possible this academic year so I’m in the same places as people who share my similar interest.
As an adult, this might mean joining different social groups, volunteering or finding a group that does the same hobby as you. You need to put yourself out there and into places with similar interests.
You Should Draw On The People You Have
For a lot of people, shredding and cutting school friends off or friends that you have grown up with is perfectly normal, and it is simply put of growing up. In fact, the day I write this post, I got a Facebook notification about it being the birthday of a very old school friend that I don’t talk to anymore. It’s a shame that we don’t talk but he could have messaged me, I could have messaged him. It is simply a part of growing older, and I have so many things wrapped up in past friendships anyway.
Anyway, there will be some people from your childhood that are brilliant for you because they help you to grow and use them to expand your social network. In fact, these don’t have anything to do with these childhood friends, even friends you make as adults you can use to expand your social circle.
For instance, taking an American university example, you’ll be getting a new roommate or dormmate (sorry I have no idea what Americans call these people). You could see your roommate as a new way to meet future friends in addition to your roommate becoming a possible friend.
Whereas an example from my personal life is me and my best friends are working this year on my best friend introducing me to lots of people who I might become friends with. I have no issue with this whatsoever, because I seriously need more friends and my best friend does have some attractive friends. So… I’m not opposed to making people more than friends.
In other words, use the people in your life to make new friends.
You Have To Push Yourself Out of Your Comfort Zone
Even if you don’t have PTSD, anxiety and depression like me, making new friends is extremely scary. Even before my sexual assault I was terrified of making friends, that’s just more basic autism but still, I know it is tough. Yet you have to put yourself out there, you need to put yourself outside your comfort zone and you need to take a step into the unknown if you are ever going to make friends.
The main reason why I didn’t make friends for the first three years of my degree besides the 2 years of COVID-19) was because I was too scared to go outside my comfort zone.
The only reason I met my best friend is because I stepped outside my comfort zone and went to a particular social group that flat out terrified me at first. More because of child abuse but it was scary.
Then the only reason why I managed to make another friend was because I was brave and asked for his Instagram. I had never done that before and I was scared and nervous but I did it. And I haven’t looked back.
Universities are a great way to push yourself out of your comfort zone in a safe, controlled and supportive environment.
You Need To Put In The Work
Friends don’t just happen without effort.
Friendships like any other sort of relationship require you to work at it and put effort in. Thankfully, this so-called “effort” is fun enjoyable and you’ll love it. Yet you still need to reach out, show up and demonstrate that you actually have an interest in the friendship.
In addition, you need to maintain the friendship by talking to the other person, planning and doing fun things or just talking to them.
Unfortunately, there will be times when you have to cut people off because they aren’t making an effort. Yet there will be plenty of people who show an interest back and they are the friendships you want to develop and pursue.
This is even more important when we consider that we all only have so much time in the day so we need to choose who we want to spend our time on. Not everyone should be part of our life and we all get out what we put into relationships.
The only real reason why me and my best friends are friends is because despite them having an awful time for the first 9 months of our friendship because of their housemates. I kept texting them, making plans with them and showing that I wasn’t going anywhere. Now I will mention that the current joke between us is that I was obsessively texting my best friend and pursuing the friendship. In reality, this isn’t a joke but because of how my best friend is with other people, they didn’t recognise this as weird or concerning. I’ve learnt my lesson and toned it right down with a friend I’m currently “working” on, but still.
If you have a friendship you want to pursue, then do the maintenance work but invest in a friendship wisely, intentionally and you’ll be reaping the wonderful rewards after a while.
Social Psychology and University Student Life Conclusion
As someone who seriously needs more friends, I have to admit that this is a critical podcast episode to do because we all need more friends. More high-quality friendships especially. Friendships are there to make us laugh, enjoy life and stop us from being lonely. Yet friendships are there to support us and protect us from harm, depression and other mental health difficulties too.
Therefore, whether you’re going to or returning to university next week, please remember the following:
· Figure out what matters to you
· Draw on who you already have
· Push yourself out of your comfort zone
· Put in the work to maintain your friendships
Believe me, I know making friends is hard, so hard. Yet it is so worth it because friends are brilliant and there isn’t a better place to make friends than at university. So please, use your time at university to have fun, socialise and make some brilliant friendships that will hopefully be lifelong, full of laughter and they will support you no matter what.
Because true friends support you whether you’re having the best time of your life or the darkest day of your life.
I really hope you enjoyed today’s clinical psychology podcast episode.
If you want to learn more, please check out:
Psychology Of Relationships: The Social Psychology Of Friendships, Romantic Relationships and More. Available from all major eBook retailers and you can order the paperback and hardback copies from Amazon, your local bookstore and local library, if you request it. Also available as an AI-narrated audiobook from selected audiobook platforms and library systems. For example, Kobo, Spotify, Barnes and Noble, Google Play, Overdrive, Baker and Taylor and Bibliotheca.
Have a great day.
Social Psychology References and Further Readings
Alsarrani, A., Hunter, R. F., Dunne, L., & Garcia, L. (2022). Association between friendship quality and subjective wellbeing among adolescents: a systematic review. BMC public health, 22(1), 2420.
Cacioppo, J. T., Hughes, M. E., Waite, L. J., Hawkley, L. C., & Thisted, R. A. (2006). Loneliness as a specific risk factor for depressive symptoms: cross-sectional and longitudinal analyses. Psychology and aging, 21(1), 140.
Demir, M., Özdemir, M., & Weitekamp, L. A. (2007). Looking to happy tomorrows with friends: Best and close friendships as they predict happiness. Journal of Happiness Studies, 8, 243-271.
Güroğlu, B. (2022). The power of friendship: The developmental significance of friendships from a neuroscience perspective. Child Development Perspectives, 16(2), 110-117.
Lu, P., Oh, J., Leahy, K. E., & Chopik, W. J. (2021). Friendship importance around the world: Links to cultural factors, health, and well-being. Frontiers in psychology, 11, 570839.
Tang, D., Lin, Z., & Chen, F. (2020). Moving beyond living arrangements: the role of family and friendship ties in promoting mental health for urban and rural older adults in China. Aging & mental health, 24(9), 1523-1532.
Yang, Y. C., Boen, C., Gerken, K., Li, T., Schorpp, K., & Harris, K. M. (2016). Social relationships and physiological determinants of longevity across the human life span. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 113(3), 578-583.
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